By Joseph Trotti, Esq.
In a divorce or separation, Parental Alienation—turning your children
against your ex—though maybe understandable, is never acceptable.
Divorce can be traumatizing. Nearly every aspect of your life can change
in a short amount of time—financial, emotional, social, and, of
course, your relationship with your former partner. Then there are elements
that can make divorce or separation even harder, such as infidelity, abuse
or domestic violence, marital debt, adverse effects on your finances or
lifestyle (especially if caused by a partner’s waste), or just the
need to support two households with the same income that supported one.
To complicate matters further, if your ex has a new partner, a whole new
set of issues can arise, including concerns (justified or not) for the
mental and physical well-being of your children.
WHAT IS PARENTAL ALIENATION?
An all-too-common byproduct of divorce is the denigration of one parent
by the other. It’s an understandable, human fault. You may be angry.
You may want to get back at your ex. You may feel like you’re left
with no choice, you’re acting in self-defense, or you’re protecting
your children or preparing them for inevitable disappointment.
Attempting to turn your children against their other parent is called Parental
Alienation. As a practicing matrimonial attorney, I continually come across
it, even as inattentive or unconscious behavior. It usually manifests as:
- Reacting negatively if a child recounts positive feelings or activities
with the other parent
- Unnecessarily sharing of intimate and financial details of the marriage
and blaming problems on the other parent
- Encouraging ill feelings toward the other parent
- Advising the children against listening to or obeying the other parent
- Unreasonably contradicting the other parent
- Frequent verbal altercations during pickups and drop-offs
- Badmouthing the other parent’s significant other
- Scheduling events, parties, and other activities during the other parent’s time
- Prohibiting a child from contacting the other parent at any time
- Withholding information about the children from the other parent
If any of this describes your behavior, or if you’re in any way considering
behaving this way, I strongly advise that you don’t. It’s
harmful to your children and, legally, harmful to you.
NEGATIVE OUTCOMES OF ALIENATING YOUR EX
Family courts are guided by one principle in resolving issues of custody:
What is in the best interest of the children? Parental Alienation is considered
so antithetical to your children’s best interest that an offending
parent may likely be deemed unfit to be their custodian.
The courts are keenly aware that when one parent manipulates their children
against the other parent, it can have long-term, catastrophic psychological
effects on the children. In severe cases, it can be regarded as child abuse.
A court can impose remedies and deterrents such as financial punishment
and charges of contempt. It can also award custody to the other spouse,
including changing custody from a previously ordered arrangement.
Your children always come first. Leave your issues with your ex between
the two of you. Involving your children can backfire and cause you to
lose them legally and, ultimately, emotionally.
This article was originally published in
NY Metro Parents
on Oct. 8, 2019. You can read the original